The Walrus and the Warwolf coaaod-4 Read online

  Population: either 98,476 or 117,290, depending on which census one believes.

  Rule: by elected City Fathers working within the General Terms of Alliance of the Consortium of Provincial Endergeneer.

  Religion: Revised Atiniunism, Elchwade Transub-stantiation and the Reformed Rites of Devotional Quelochianism.

  Location: on the Salt Road on western coast of Argan, north of Drangsturm and south of Stokos.

  Drake leaned on the ship's siderail, watching the bullock teams at work. It was intensely pleasant to watch work being done, yet to know that one's labours were at an end.

  'Tonight,' he said, dreamily, 'I'm going to have a hot meal, a woman with smooth thighs, and twenty-five beers. Not necessarily in that order.''Doubt it,' said Ika Thole, who was standing to his left.T can afford it,' said Drake.

  'That's not the point,' said Jon Disaster, who was standing to Drake's right. 'Jon Arabin won't let us off the ship till all the work's done to his satisfaction.'

  Drake remembered the near-mutiny at Zanya Bay. Arabin's authority had proved slim enough then. How

  could a single ship's captain hold back a crewload of pirates who were hot for boozing and whoring?

  T don't think,' said Drake, 'that Arabin will get one whit of work out of us till we've had our fill of pleasure.'

  Thole and Disaster simply laughed.

  When the Warwolf reached the Inner Dock, she was immediately boarded by fifty grim men in mail, armed with swords and halberds.'What's this?' said Drake, wide-eyed. 'Murder?'

  'Nay, man,' said Jon Disaster, lazily. 'This is but the harbour guard, come to help our captain keep his authority.'

  While most ports would have lynched them on arrival, Narba welcomed them. The Orfus pirates mostly preyed on ships sailing out of Runcorn, Cam and Androlmarphos. Narba merchants never invested in that north-trade, but financed, instead, ventures half a thousand leagues south-west to the Scattered Islands.

  Narba profited from the Orfus connection, buying north-trade plunder, and selling everything from siege dust to lime for wormbags hung from each ship's bow to discourage ship-worms. But the good people of Narba had learnt long ago that no pirate captain could keep a lusty crew from temptation without ample armed assistance.

  Drake, who had not worshipped the Demon for what seemed an age, was eager for religion. But shore leave was refused for twenty days – the time needed to finish repairs to the Warwolf The harbour guard maintained a watch by day and night, preventing a single pirate from stepping ashore till all the work was done.

  Drake bitterly resented this labour, for he would never benefit from work on the Warwolf. He was quite determined that he would never sail another league on the ship. At least now they were in port they had fresh food. Hot meat dripping with red blood. Crisp crunching fresh vegetables. Fresh fruit. The dense red meat of plums, the quivering aroma of peaches . . .

  Then at last the work was done. Arabin told the harbour guard he no longer needed their help. He set the crew at liberty for the day. And Drake was, for the moment, free.

  Fully intending that moment to last a lifetime, he packed his treasure: pearls, magic amulets and gambling profits. All pearls but three went into his boots; the three shared pocket-space with coinage and magic amulets. For luck – he might need it in this foreign city – he still kept one amulet slung round his neck so that it lay next to his skin, close to his heart.

  Turning his back on the Warwolf, Drake had no second thoughts whatsoever. He had stomached as much whale-oil cookery as he could bear. He was sick of damp gear, canting decks, sea-boils, bully-boy crewmen, wet ropes, wind, rain, sunburn, and all the other inconveniences of life at sea.

  For a man with no prospects, piracy no doubt had its attractions. But Drake would likely enough find himself heir to the throne of Stokos, if he played his cards right. Aye. And owner of the high-breasted Zanya Kliedervaust. At the very least, he would be a priest of the temple of Hagon – which was in itself a very fine thing to be.

  After his long captivity in Ling and his subsequent privations at sea, Drake found Narba to be an amazement of colours, smells, bustle and voices. And temptations.

  First off, he bought himself a whore. Was he then unfaithful to his true love? No, for it was Zanya Kliedervaust he conjured into his mind to intensify his lust as he rode his woman.

  'That was nice,' said Drake, exiting from the knocking shop. 'What next?'

  Since he was young, and over-excited by growth hormones, what came next was another whore. Then, driven more by ego than desire, he bought himself a third. But his flesh failed him.

  'Never mind,' she said. 'It happens to every man sooner or later.''Then what do I get for my money?' demanded Drake.'Something nice,' she said.

  And gave him a rub-down, squeezed his blackheads and washed his hair, all the while talking about how strong and handsome he was. All of which combined to restore his flesh for a third endeavour.

  After that, Drake, who was still as devout as when he had left Stokos, went looking for a bar so he could complete his worship of the Demon. He soon found a pleasant enough place, with sawdust on the floor, men sitting at rough-wood tables eating oysters, and a stack of ragged claws in the free lunch bowl. However, Drake thought the publican regarded him strangely when he walked in, so he said to the man:'I'm a pirate off the Warwolf. Any objection?''None,' said his host.

  But peered again at a sketch kept hidden behind the bar, glanced back at Drake, and, after pulling a couple of mugs ('Set them up in twins, I don't want to be wasting my time'), sent a runner to an inn lying handy to most of the dockside bars.

  Drake had only just started his fourth mug when into the bar, as if by coincidence, came Sudder Vemlouf, whom Drake knew from old times back on Stokos.

  'Sudder, me old mate,' said Drake jovially. 'What are you doing here? Sit down, man, and have a mug. Bar! A couple of ales and a dash of cold potato.'

  He was feeling generous, in part because the beers had warmed him nicely, yes, slurring the sharpness of the harder edges of the world.

  'I was never any friend of yours,' said Sudder Vemlouf, as the drinks were served.

  'Sure no, you were neighbour to old man Muck. And how is the scratchy old bastard, anyway?'

  'The Blessed One is in good health,' said Vemlouf formally. 'And he is far from happy with you.'

  'What? Upset about the mastersword, is he? Oh, I admit everything. Don't worry. When I'm home, I'll rich him up till his eyes pop. I've got the money now.'

  'You have no need to travel home,' said Vemlouf, 'for justice has found you here.'And, so saying, Vemlouf suddenly drew a knife.

  A professional killer would have gutted in quick and low, and would have been halfway to the door before anyone realized a man was dead. But Vemlouf raised his knife on high like a ham actor in a melodrama.'Die!' he screamed.

  And, both hands clasping the hilt, he brought the blade down.

  There was a certain ritual quality to the way he struck. He was slow, yes – but the beers had done their damage. Drake flung up a warding arm – too late! The steel bit through his sealskins, slammed into his chest – and skidded off the amulet.

  'Get away with you!' said Drake, giving Vemlouf a shove which sent him staggering backwards.

  Vemlouf glanced at his unblooded blade, and then, with horror, at Drake.'You – you live?'

  'Bloody oath I live! Now get out of here, before I kick your ring through your breakfast!'

  'Demon-son!' hissed Vemlouf, tightening his hold on the knife.

  'Oh, jalk off!' said Drake, as Vemlouf stalked toward him.

  Then, seeing the man seriously intended to kill him, Drake picked up a bar stool and defended himself. But Vemlouf managed to give him a nasty scratch on the back of his hand. Drake, rather put out by that, broke his arm, knocked him unconscious, then threw him to the floor and jumped on him.

  'Damned if I like your choice in customers,' he said to the barman, and left to find a quieter bar where he could practise
religion in peace.

  The next barman he encountered also had a hidden sketch, and also sent a messenger to a certain inn – only this time, of course, there was nobody to respond to the news.

  'Who's drinking?' asked Drake of all and sundry, as a young man with sudden money necessarily must.

  It turned out that everyone was. And, while demolishing a pearl's worth of ale, they were happy enough to listen to Drake hold forth on his recent adventures. Only one sceptic was unkind enough to dispute his tall tales about Ling.

  'Where did all that fresh water come from?' asked he. 'And how did those cold cold lights keep burning?''By magic,' said Drake solemnly.

  And would have come no closer to the truth even if he had managed to break into the armoured vaults holding the automated desalination plant, the Ground Effect generator, the Control, the Planet Link, and the other sophisticated machinery installed when the Plague Sanctuary was first established at Ling, many thousands of years before, in the nightmare years known as the Days of Wrath, which were now almost less than a memory.

  'Magic?' said the sceptic. 'It was a place of wizards, then? Or was it?'

  Wiser heads suppressed him before Drake could be bothered to find an answer, and the flow of ale continued unabated.

  With so many eager co-religionists to help him worship, Drake was fairly deep in the clutches of faith by the time the bar was enlivened by the arrival of Jon Disaster, Goth Sox, Hewlet Mapleskin, Lee Dix, Shewel Lokenshield and others.

  'Good to see you boys,' slurred Drake. 'Have a beer -I'm buying!'

  Well, one thing led to another, till finally – and not for the first time – Drake's religious fervour got the better of him. He woke up the next day with a large-sized gap in his memory, and found himself at sea again. He had no money, no pearls, and no magic amulets – but for the one worn secretly against his skin for luck. He had also lost his boots.

  What was worse, his penis hurt so badly he feared he had picked up a heavy dose of clap. But, on inspection, he found he had been tattoed with a snake design while stone cold unconscious.

  'All right,' he demanded, 'which of you jerk-offs did that?'

  'Who are you calling a jerk-off?' rumbled Shewel Lokenshield.

  'Not you, you prickless wonder,' said Drake promptly, thus precipitating a fo'c'sle fight, which he lost.

  The next day, his vital organ began to swell with blood poisoning. Consequently, he was a little down in the mouth. The other pirates, though, were in high spirits, for they were returning home wealthy. Jon Arabin organized deckside games of knuckleskull, First Off and Quivliv Quoo, which Drake, sore and sulking, watched from the sidelines.

  However, by the time they raised the Greater Teeth his condition was improving, and he no longer lived in fear of imminent amputation. All he had to worry about was surviving until he could make a break for freedom.

  But would he ever get another chance? He had blown his best opportunity, back at Narba. And even if he struggled back to Stokos, how would he cope with Gouda Muck? The old man must be lunatic to be sending armed assassins to revenge the theft of the mastersword with murder.

  'The bugger's insane,' said Drake to Drake. 'But old, yes. Can't last much longer. Ten years, at most. Yes -that'll finish him.'

  It was easy to say, but – ten years! That was more than half Drake's lifetime.

  'I can't possibly wait that long,' said Drake. 'Anyway, attack's the best defence. Aye, that's for certain. First chance I get, I'll be back to Stokos to kill off old man Muck. King Tor won't hold that against me, I'm sure. In fact, once he understands what's going on, he'll probably help me. Aye. Likely pay good gold to see Muck wasted.'Or so Drake hoped.

  * * *

  The Warwolf, returning rich, avoided Gufling, and made instead for Knock. It was at that time early autumn. The year Khmar 18 was still young, and Drake was only 17 years old. (Though, if challenged, he would have claimed to have been 18, on the grounds that a couple of months would take him through to age 17'/2, and the missing half-year was not worth worrying about.)

  It was a while since Jon Arabin had dared the approaches to Knock, and he disgraced himself by getting the Warwolf stuck as they were approaching the Skerry Passage at low tide. His own men thought it was hilarious. So did the crew of a sealing boat which slipped past a little later, returning from a hunting expedition laden with bloody booty.

  'The Walrus will laugh himself sick to hear of this!' cried one of the sealers, from the deck.'He lives, then?' called Arabin.

  'Aye! Lives, farts, shits, shags – and swears you left him on the Gaunt Reefs to drown.''That's a lie!' shouted Arabin. 'He had his choices!'

  'That's as may be – but all his crew swears with him. They say the only thing you took from the rocks was a sweet-faced playtime boy.'

  This news did not improve Jon Arabin's temper. Nor Drake's.'Does Andranovory live?' he yelled.'Who?' shouted one of the sealers.

  'Atsimo Andranovory. A great big dirty brute with a great big beard which stinks like a bilge broom. A black beard, with black hair to go with it. Aye, and a great big chest.'

  'For sure he lives,' called one of the sealers. 'Why? Are you lovesick for him?''Aagh, jalk up, you ganch,' yelled Drake.

  Thus starting an exchange of obscene insults which continued – pirates could sometimes show remarkablestamina – until the sealing boat was out of earshot. * * *

  Thinking of Atsimo Andranovory, Drake experienced a little frisson of something which was most certainly not pleasure. He remembered that ugly inviting him to suck, then stringing him up on refusal. He remembered . . . swinging from a rope, yes, tied to a spar by his ankles . . . an agony which seemed to go on forever . . . Whale Mike singing a lullaby . . . the cold on the rocks . . .

  He would never forget. Although even now the details were hazy. So much had happened since!

  'What's your interest in Andranovory?' asked Jon Disaster, as they waited for the incoming tide to float the Warwolf off the rocks she had grounded on.

  'I told him the truth about his ugliness,' said Drake. 'Tell me – what's between our captain and this Walrus?'

  'Man,' said Disaster, 'That Walrus isn't properly human. Slagger Mulps, they call him – that's his proper name. He's weird, like. Thin as an eel, with gangling arms with two thumbs on each hand. Green hair, green-'

  T know all that,' said Drake, impatiently. 'I've been up against him before. But what's his quarrel with Jon Arabin?'

  'Why, man, friend Walrus has been the Warwolf's favourite enemy, ever since the day he seduced one of Arabin's wives. Aye. Got over-excited. Bit off her left-hand nipple. From whence Arabin loathes him.''Are we at war then?' said Drake.

  'There's no war between pirates, lad. Not on the Greater Teeth. Not in theory, anyway.'

  'Why call me lad?' said Drake, feeling he deserved better than that (and feeling, too, that there might be war on the Warwolf in a moment, unless he got an apology).Jon Disaster laughed.

  'Man, you want to be more than a lad? Then use your time well. Here at the Teeth, you can learn boats proper. Take every chance to go boat for the fish and the seals.'

  'I've no need of more boat learning,' said Drake. 'Why, I sailed round Island Tor entire!'Jon Disaster had the gall to chuckle.

  'Not quite,' said he. 'The judgment of sailing is whether you finish with the same boat you start with. And there, I think, you can hardly claim success.'

  The rising tide took them clear of the rocks with no damage worth speaking of, and, later in the day, they docked in the Inner Sleeve, a rock-locked harbour on Knock.

  Drake, remembering the narrow slot they had squeezed into at Gufling, expected another equally claustrophobic prison-hole. But the Inner Sleeve proved to be a regular little harbour. Admittedly, it was sunless-gloomy, sunk between ramparts of rock. Nevertheless, with care and effort a dozen ships could have berthed there, and in fact nine were in port when the Warwolf tied up.One of the nine was the Walrus.

  This had not always been a pirate
ship. Indeed, some months earlier it had been an honest slaver, and, bearing the name Gol-sa-danjerk, had sailed from Androlmarphos with a cargo of felons – one of whom had been Drake Douay.

  The green-bearded Slagger Mulps had captured the Gol-sa-danjerk, and had put a prize crew on board. Thus, after he had been rescued from the Gaunt Reefs, he had still had a ship to his name. And there, on the deck of it, he stood, arms folded.

  Also on deck was Atsimo Andranovory in all his glory -grinning as he recognized Drake. He had a good head for faces.

  'Hello darling!' he called. 'Like to give me a suck?' 'I'll see you suck on this first!' shouted Drake, drawing his dirk.

  'Once you've taken it up the arse I'll love to,' retorted Andranovory.

  And of course their dialogue did not end there, for, being who they were and where they were, they vented their spleen with all the eloquence available to them, which was considerable in both cases. And the crews of both ships jeered or cheered each sally, depending on their allegiance.

  And while this was going on, a couple of workaholics who had no appreciation of theatre were busy tying up the Warwolf and lowering the gangplank.

  And then the men of the Warwolf came swaggering off the ship like the heroes they were. For had they not faced storms, aye, and hurricanes, and tornadoes too? And had they not fought monsters, yes, doing battle with half a dozen Neversh for the possession of their ship? And had they not drunk five pubs in Narba stone-bone dry, a feat which fifty eminent philosophers and a panel of high-class theologians and over-paid jurists had declared to be nine-tenths impossible? And had they not been to Ling, and deflowered five thousand of the virgins of the place, yes, and pleasured the mothers of those girls as well?

  But the heroes of the Warwolf failed to meet with the universal applause they deserved, for the crew of the Walrus (idle slobs, scabs and fish-fornicators that they were) jeered at them because they had been engaging in honest trade, of all things, which was surely anathema, even if it was for pearls, aye, and dangerous, and highly profitable into the bargain.

  'What's lower than a merchant-trader?' cried a crewman from the Walrus.'A coward!' came the reply.And the fight was on.